Txt interview with Alexis Burlingame on 11/13/2009
This is also a tribute to how the next Gen will communicate. This interview was sent to me over three txt messages.
My opinion on marriage is its actually dead. About fifty percent of our population gets divorced anyways why sugarcoat the truth? Marriage can last with some people but if you look close enough the marriage still has its flaws. I think that maybe not tying down to a person, but staying with them is a big commitment but you can have that space between.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Friday, November 13, 2009
Generation Next
Interview with Kimberly 11 13 2009
I asked for a rant
My sister is married and she is happy so I guess I am for it. But in some cases I am against it. My parents were married and divorced when I was three, I used to live with my dad now I don't live with either of my parents. I live with my sister now.
Is marriage dead?
I don't think it is, but in some parts of the US maybe but not where I am from.
I asked about marriage Trends?
Sometimes in some places I see it going down, and other points I see it staying where it is at.
I asked for a rant
My sister is married and she is happy so I guess I am for it. But in some cases I am against it. My parents were married and divorced when I was three, I used to live with my dad now I don't live with either of my parents. I live with my sister now.
Is marriage dead?
I don't think it is, but in some parts of the US maybe but not where I am from.
I asked about marriage Trends?
Sometimes in some places I see it going down, and other points I see it staying where it is at.
Friday, November 6, 2009
Comparison of research #4
This article from the Pew Research Center had a more meat to it. The hard numbers really drove home a few thing that made me realize how things have become. I realized my childhood was closer to mainstream than an outcast than I thought. I'm not quite sure how I feel about that.
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood
It starts with this very sobering statement.
“A Generation Gap in Behaviors and Values. Younger adults attach far less moral
stigma than do their elders to out-of-wedlock births and cohabitation without marriage.
They engage in these behaviors at rates unprecedented in U.S. history. Nearly four-in-ten
(36.8%) births in this country are to an unmarried woman. Nearly half (47%) of adults in
their 30s and 40s have spent a portion of their lives in a cohabiting relationship.
”
Some other things that are mentioned is that half of all non-marital births are to cohabiting couples, 19 years ago this ratio was only about a third. Of those couples that are cohabiting and have children together only 44% say they want to marry.
Here is an odd thing I found in their report. An overwhelming number of people (they called it a lopsided margin) said that a two parent home was best when it came to raising children. Yet those people said, overwhelmingly that it was better for everyone to divorce if the couple was very unhappy. My question here is, why is every one so unhappy that they want a divorce? Did the husband find out that the wife turns into an evil witch at sundown? Does the husband become an ogre after dinner? What was as the reason they got married in the first place?!?! Did no one explain to them that marriage is the second toughest job you'll ever love?! (Parenthood being the first).
Or is it that this generation has become so selfish. Or is it the disposable notion of this generation? Oh no this one doesn't have the newest feature, it just isn't as shiny anymore. Well it is TWO years old! Trade it in for a new one. One thing is certain. This generations views have changed dramatically from their parents. Around my generation. 50% of people felt it was alright to have a child out of wedlock. This generation the number is close to 75%. Yet both generations feel it is best to have a two parent home??? Huh?
I don't understand the conflicting answers people have given in these studies, I am not going to pretend to. What I can say is with all the people I have talked to personally, all but one has said they want to be married. Some are married, some, like myself, married again, some want to be married, and some want to be married later(much later). All agreed that a two parent home was the best way to raise a child. I think no couple is an island. They all need support from family (close and extended) and friends to make it work. AND BELIEVE ME IT IS WORK! So those of you who think marriage is big party, you might want to rethink things before saying “I do”. It can be a very rude awakening when the party ends. Everyone has a hangover and it is time to clean up!
So is marriage dead, I will finally ask myself. I think no. Solemn and steady, I can say that. It is a misunderstood institution. From my generation to the current one we need to realize anything worth having is worth working for. You can't get a relationship on credit. Also that the everyday of a solid relationship is not glitz and glamor, dashing and exciting. It is just nice, sometimes really comfortable and cozy, like the warm pair of jeans out of the dryer on a cold winter morning. It is the little things that add up to a great relationship. The flash and excitement never last forever. You shouldn't expect them to. You can only get out of it what you have put in. One last bit of insight, if you both putting in 110% you might just feel like you are getting 70%, on a good day.
http://pewresearch.org/pubs/526/marriage-parenthood
It starts with this very sobering statement.
“A Generation Gap in Behaviors and Values. Younger adults attach far less moral
stigma than do their elders to out-of-wedlock births and cohabitation without marriage.
They engage in these behaviors at rates unprecedented in U.S. history. Nearly four-in-ten
(36.8%) births in this country are to an unmarried woman. Nearly half (47%) of adults in
their 30s and 40s have spent a portion of their lives in a cohabiting relationship.
”
Some other things that are mentioned is that half of all non-marital births are to cohabiting couples, 19 years ago this ratio was only about a third. Of those couples that are cohabiting and have children together only 44% say they want to marry.
Here is an odd thing I found in their report. An overwhelming number of people (they called it a lopsided margin) said that a two parent home was best when it came to raising children. Yet those people said, overwhelmingly that it was better for everyone to divorce if the couple was very unhappy. My question here is, why is every one so unhappy that they want a divorce? Did the husband find out that the wife turns into an evil witch at sundown? Does the husband become an ogre after dinner? What was as the reason they got married in the first place?!?! Did no one explain to them that marriage is the second toughest job you'll ever love?! (Parenthood being the first).
Or is it that this generation has become so selfish. Or is it the disposable notion of this generation? Oh no this one doesn't have the newest feature, it just isn't as shiny anymore. Well it is TWO years old! Trade it in for a new one. One thing is certain. This generations views have changed dramatically from their parents. Around my generation. 50% of people felt it was alright to have a child out of wedlock. This generation the number is close to 75%. Yet both generations feel it is best to have a two parent home??? Huh?
I don't understand the conflicting answers people have given in these studies, I am not going to pretend to. What I can say is with all the people I have talked to personally, all but one has said they want to be married. Some are married, some, like myself, married again, some want to be married, and some want to be married later(much later). All agreed that a two parent home was the best way to raise a child. I think no couple is an island. They all need support from family (close and extended) and friends to make it work. AND BELIEVE ME IT IS WORK! So those of you who think marriage is big party, you might want to rethink things before saying “I do”. It can be a very rude awakening when the party ends. Everyone has a hangover and it is time to clean up!
So is marriage dead, I will finally ask myself. I think no. Solemn and steady, I can say that. It is a misunderstood institution. From my generation to the current one we need to realize anything worth having is worth working for. You can't get a relationship on credit. Also that the everyday of a solid relationship is not glitz and glamor, dashing and exciting. It is just nice, sometimes really comfortable and cozy, like the warm pair of jeans out of the dryer on a cold winter morning. It is the little things that add up to a great relationship. The flash and excitement never last forever. You shouldn't expect them to. You can only get out of it what you have put in. One last bit of insight, if you both putting in 110% you might just feel like you are getting 70%, on a good day.
Comparison of Research #3
The next paper I reviewed was this one on married and unmarried couples with children.
http://crcw.princeton.edu/workingpapers/WP09-08-FF.pdf
The first thing that really hit me was in the abstract. No it wasn't that they got to the point immediately (as refreshing as it was). It was how if a couple had a child and the father of the baby had an easygoing relationship with the baby's mother's parents, marriage was more likely, even though the relationship stability was not as strong. If the child in the middle of this spent more time with the father's parents then co-habitation was more prevalent. It also went forward with how when parents (of adults) who helped their children, showing social support (praise as well as financial) of the union and child that is the fruit of this union were more likely to succeed, ie. Have a long term marital relationship. The previous points out how important extended family relations are important. I was once told by a very wise person, "you don't just marry the person, you marry their parents, siblings, aunts and uncles!" "It is important to get in good with the mother-in-law as quick as possible or you don't stand a chance". I don't remember who told me these things. Let me tell you, I didn't listen with my first marriage. I did with my second!
http://crcw.princeton.edu/workingpapers/WP09-08-FF.pdf
The first thing that really hit me was in the abstract. No it wasn't that they got to the point immediately (as refreshing as it was). It was how if a couple had a child and the father of the baby had an easygoing relationship with the baby's mother's parents, marriage was more likely, even though the relationship stability was not as strong. If the child in the middle of this spent more time with the father's parents then co-habitation was more prevalent. It also went forward with how when parents (of adults) who helped their children, showing social support (praise as well as financial) of the union and child that is the fruit of this union were more likely to succeed, ie. Have a long term marital relationship. The previous points out how important extended family relations are important. I was once told by a very wise person, "you don't just marry the person, you marry their parents, siblings, aunts and uncles!" "It is important to get in good with the mother-in-law as quick as possible or you don't stand a chance". I don't remember who told me these things. Let me tell you, I didn't listen with my first marriage. I did with my second!
Interview With Darnell
Phone interview with Darnell Roberts
11/06/09
I asked for a rant.
I don't know too much about marriage being single. I realize marriage is a big step. I think it should be for the over 30 crowd. There is to many ways for people to cheat on partners and get away with it. Internet makes thing way to easy. People are just more socially integrated today than ever before.
I asked is marriage dead?
He replied with,
People are marrying later. There is more openness, and more cheating. Woman are out in the world more today than before. Values have changed. Relationships and promises are more likely to be broken.
We as a people are more prone to get divorced. Society now is much more social than in say the 50's. Then a woman's traditional role was to stay home and be a home maker. Nowadays woman are in the workplace just as much as men. Women go to bars and clubs all the time. Back in the 50's that was socially unacceptable for a married woman to do. Now it is the norm. Back then this was less likely to happen. Now women are independent. They don't sit at home waiting for anyone.
11/06/09
I asked for a rant.
I don't know too much about marriage being single. I realize marriage is a big step. I think it should be for the over 30 crowd. There is to many ways for people to cheat on partners and get away with it. Internet makes thing way to easy. People are just more socially integrated today than ever before.
I asked is marriage dead?
He replied with,
People are marrying later. There is more openness, and more cheating. Woman are out in the world more today than before. Values have changed. Relationships and promises are more likely to be broken.
We as a people are more prone to get divorced. Society now is much more social than in say the 50's. Then a woman's traditional role was to stay home and be a home maker. Nowadays woman are in the workplace just as much as men. Women go to bars and clubs all the time. Back in the 50's that was socially unacceptable for a married woman to do. Now it is the norm. Back then this was less likely to happen. Now women are independent. They don't sit at home waiting for anyone.
Comparison of research #2
One interesting paper I read, by the Center for Population dynamics, thanks to the nice people at ASU
http://www.asu.edu/clas/ssfd/cepod/working/CePoD_WP_2009_103.pdf
They seem very adamant about pointing out one thing repeatedly! When a woman goes to work, her hours performing household work decreases, “ while men, to a lesser extent, have increased
the time they spend on housework”. This compels me to say two things.
First, I think men are by nature are less caring of how clean things are, period. That is why there are man caves, and the bachelor's coffee table (large wooden spool). Men just don't care as much. Second, it as if the writer had an ulterior motive for their statements. Like in the movie “The Break Up” Jenifer Aniston did not want her boyfriend to “just do the dishes”. She wanted him “To WANT to do the dishes”. It is an ineffective attempt to shame men to care about things they don't... and probably never will.
They also point out one other thing, marital happiness is directly related to carnal relation frequency. The long of the short here is, a couples marriage will be perceived as happier by both parties the more frequent they have relations. The part about this paper that left me a little disappointed was there was nothing that related to whether a perceived happy marriage would stand the test of time.
This is something for the masses out there to take home, and also it is what I am taking away from this paper. If the bed's-not-a-rockin', divorce comes a knockin'. Well maybe not. Maybe just a bunch of quiet dinner tables and lots of angsty sighs and eye rolling, more time spent in the garden, at the book club, in the garage, nights out without your spouse. Hunny, it's curling night at the skating rink... don't wait up! (Sarcasm vary intentional)
http://www.asu.edu/clas/ssfd/cepod/working/CePoD_WP_2009_103.pdf
They seem very adamant about pointing out one thing repeatedly! When a woman goes to work, her hours performing household work decreases, “ while men, to a lesser extent, have increased
the time they spend on housework”. This compels me to say two things.
First, I think men are by nature are less caring of how clean things are, period. That is why there are man caves, and the bachelor's coffee table (large wooden spool). Men just don't care as much. Second, it as if the writer had an ulterior motive for their statements. Like in the movie “The Break Up” Jenifer Aniston did not want her boyfriend to “just do the dishes”. She wanted him “To WANT to do the dishes”. It is an ineffective attempt to shame men to care about things they don't... and probably never will.
They also point out one other thing, marital happiness is directly related to carnal relation frequency. The long of the short here is, a couples marriage will be perceived as happier by both parties the more frequent they have relations. The part about this paper that left me a little disappointed was there was nothing that related to whether a perceived happy marriage would stand the test of time.
This is something for the masses out there to take home, and also it is what I am taking away from this paper. If the bed's-not-a-rockin', divorce comes a knockin'. Well maybe not. Maybe just a bunch of quiet dinner tables and lots of angsty sighs and eye rolling, more time spent in the garden, at the book club, in the garage, nights out without your spouse. Hunny, it's curling night at the skating rink... don't wait up! (Sarcasm vary intentional)
Comparison of research #1
I have seen different views from different people. Their views differed greatly from what I was expecting from them. I did some research to see if the sample I was interviewing was a good representation. One site I went to was http://marriage.rutgers.edu/Publications/pubtenthingsyoungadults.htm
This was a rather nicely documented paper about different factors that are kind of a tell about if a marriage will be successful or end in divorce. A few things stood out to me.
Being a single parent before marriage is a big indicator that someone will not get married in the future, or if they do, the relationship will end in divorce. Also getting married as a teenagers had similar results.
I also noticed that college educated people were less likely to divorce than people of lower education. Also if the family/friend/community you are from sets you up on a date, you are more likely to have common interests and backgrounds. You are already familiar with the other persons family/ heritage, this helps the general understanding of each other before you meet. I feel this will help with the getting through the “first year communication struggles”.
This was a rather nicely documented paper about different factors that are kind of a tell about if a marriage will be successful or end in divorce. A few things stood out to me.
Being a single parent before marriage is a big indicator that someone will not get married in the future, or if they do, the relationship will end in divorce. Also getting married as a teenagers had similar results.
I also noticed that college educated people were less likely to divorce than people of lower education. Also if the family/friend/community you are from sets you up on a date, you are more likely to have common interests and backgrounds. You are already familiar with the other persons family/ heritage, this helps the general understanding of each other before you meet. I feel this will help with the getting through the “first year communication struggles”.
Interview with Bruce Freeman
Interview with Bruce Freeman 11/0609
I ask for a rant.
I teach about this stuff in human relations and we have been talking a about the draft away from long term committed marriages and what it means that people are in relationships outside of marriages. Not a rant really as an observation. That people are moving away from long term committed marriages as it is too hard. People are living to long. Too many other choices that may relate more to today's society.
Is Marriage dead?
No. Marriage will be with us for the foreseeable future and probably beyond. More pluses than negatives. I think it is cyclical and someday we may see a greater interest in marriage. In the past most things were centered around the family. Currently things are very self centered. Ease of personal gain in every aspect of life has penetrated to marriage. But I can see this being taught differently to the younger generations and seeing the family become the community center again.
I am optimistic. People are getting solid education regarding marriage. That is a good thing, in the world of easy choices.
I ask for a rant.
I teach about this stuff in human relations and we have been talking a about the draft away from long term committed marriages and what it means that people are in relationships outside of marriages. Not a rant really as an observation. That people are moving away from long term committed marriages as it is too hard. People are living to long. Too many other choices that may relate more to today's society.
Is Marriage dead?
No. Marriage will be with us for the foreseeable future and probably beyond. More pluses than negatives. I think it is cyclical and someday we may see a greater interest in marriage. In the past most things were centered around the family. Currently things are very self centered. Ease of personal gain in every aspect of life has penetrated to marriage. But I can see this being taught differently to the younger generations and seeing the family become the community center again.
I am optimistic. People are getting solid education regarding marriage. That is a good thing, in the world of easy choices.
Interview with Jerry
Interview with Jerry Kuzmiak
11/05/09
I asked for a rant about marriage. He replied that he could only give me a rave!
In today's society you almost need to be married to survive economically. The companionship is a necessity to maintain a healthy perspective in life. I digg it man, it really benefits me. My wife takes good care of me, and in my busy life she really helps me with the essentials. All women are a pain in the butt, but then again so are men.
Is marriage dead?
I don't think marriage is dead, the life long commitment is dead. Today's society make it easy to terminate the marriage if you get bored or discouraged in a relationship.
11/05/09
I asked for a rant about marriage. He replied that he could only give me a rave!
In today's society you almost need to be married to survive economically. The companionship is a necessity to maintain a healthy perspective in life. I digg it man, it really benefits me. My wife takes good care of me, and in my busy life she really helps me with the essentials. All women are a pain in the butt, but then again so are men.
Is marriage dead?
I don't think marriage is dead, the life long commitment is dead. Today's society make it easy to terminate the marriage if you get bored or discouraged in a relationship.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Samuel
Samuel Watkins
11 4 09
I asked for a rant to see where he would go. He responded with this.
Marriage starts as a relation ship first. You might know some one for a long time I have known my wife 18 years been seeing her 10 married 3.
It is important for a marriage to work, and you have to know them in and out, and their family too. I have children, I never thought about having children especially with my wife. But when I moved in with her, before we married we discussed children and I said no. After living with her for a year I started thinking about having children. I got to know how she works and really understood a woman. I never lived with a woman other than my mother, until I moved in with my girlfriend at the time. I now understand how smart a woman can be by actually sitting down and listening to my wife and listen to her every day. Now that we have kids I feel our marriage is complete. We have a stable relationship and stable relationship equals stable minds. Now we have focus and also learn to focus on our kids.
Is marriage dead?
No! well uh, my parents were married, I feel if you know that person as well as I know my wife and my wife is headache at times but the key is I know my wife so I know how to get around all the negativity especially now that she is pregnant.
11 4 09
I asked for a rant to see where he would go. He responded with this.
Marriage starts as a relation ship first. You might know some one for a long time I have known my wife 18 years been seeing her 10 married 3.
It is important for a marriage to work, and you have to know them in and out, and their family too. I have children, I never thought about having children especially with my wife. But when I moved in with her, before we married we discussed children and I said no. After living with her for a year I started thinking about having children. I got to know how she works and really understood a woman. I never lived with a woman other than my mother, until I moved in with my girlfriend at the time. I now understand how smart a woman can be by actually sitting down and listening to my wife and listen to her every day. Now that we have kids I feel our marriage is complete. We have a stable relationship and stable relationship equals stable minds. Now we have focus and also learn to focus on our kids.
Is marriage dead?
No! well uh, my parents were married, I feel if you know that person as well as I know my wife and my wife is headache at times but the key is I know my wife so I know how to get around all the negativity especially now that she is pregnant.
Relinda
Interview with Relinda Wimbely,
Marriage I have never been married but one day would love to be married. Marriage can be a beautiful but marriage can be dangerous because people get married for the wrong reasons. One wrong reason I can think of is financial stability. I think you should never marry a person for their money or the money you can make together. If you ask me money is the reason the divorce rate is so high.
Is marriage dead?
No, but I believe the meaning is. Some people just get married for the reception and the gifts or put on a front for others that are watching them. AAAND some people get married because they have some ones kid. Or vice versa.
Marriage I have never been married but one day would love to be married. Marriage can be a beautiful but marriage can be dangerous because people get married for the wrong reasons. One wrong reason I can think of is financial stability. I think you should never marry a person for their money or the money you can make together. If you ask me money is the reason the divorce rate is so high.
Is marriage dead?
No, but I believe the meaning is. Some people just get married for the reception and the gifts or put on a front for others that are watching them. AAAND some people get married because they have some ones kid. Or vice versa.
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
Interview with Gen X
Interview with male Genx early 20's
11/3/2009
He has explained that he has joined a group called “Fathers against marriage” his reasoning for this is,
He feels it is unfair that any type of contract is dropped when a child is born or brought into the relationship. A pre nuptial including coverage of a child, expires, even if partners agree to set child support and or visitations prior to the birth. The court does not recognise that document and decides what is to be done after a court hearing using current laws disregarding any previous agreed upon legal documents.
Is marriage dead? I asked him.
Several co-workers have stopped any formal seeking of a partner. There is a trend about them. Most of them have their life together. They have a house, nice car, work car, all the toys, frequent vacations. They are afraid of what would happen if a “gold digger” or Springer psycho was incognito and ruined their life. They all expressed either first hand mishaps or witnessed close friends lives ruined by partners that were upset and felt they were “OWED” something for their “services” or “pain suffered”.
He pauses, “I think marriage as it is Ideally thought of is dead. Marriage is now substituted with a modern day magazine story. Marriage used to be thought of as a sharing of oneself with another, which I would relate more to a love novel, good times bad times and test of emotions towards each other. Where as today marriage is more like a magazine story not comparing the two in size, the magazine story is more influenced by people outside the relationship, and personal gain. Where the Ideal marriage is not thought of that way, it is how the couple can advance together.”
“in a novel, it is about the book, the story, the characters. In a magazine the story and characters are all influenced by sales. The stories need to sell to a demographic. Advertisements want Excitement, Flash and Glamour. Sensational headlines drive sales up. This leaves much to be desired in the quality of a character, and the story, the plot has been changed into one exciting car chase after another. Nothing is of substance, all smoke and mirrors. When the excitement ends so does the relationship.”
11/3/2009
He has explained that he has joined a group called “Fathers against marriage” his reasoning for this is,
He feels it is unfair that any type of contract is dropped when a child is born or brought into the relationship. A pre nuptial including coverage of a child, expires, even if partners agree to set child support and or visitations prior to the birth. The court does not recognise that document and decides what is to be done after a court hearing using current laws disregarding any previous agreed upon legal documents.
Is marriage dead? I asked him.
Several co-workers have stopped any formal seeking of a partner. There is a trend about them. Most of them have their life together. They have a house, nice car, work car, all the toys, frequent vacations. They are afraid of what would happen if a “gold digger” or Springer psycho was incognito and ruined their life. They all expressed either first hand mishaps or witnessed close friends lives ruined by partners that were upset and felt they were “OWED” something for their “services” or “pain suffered”.
He pauses, “I think marriage as it is Ideally thought of is dead. Marriage is now substituted with a modern day magazine story. Marriage used to be thought of as a sharing of oneself with another, which I would relate more to a love novel, good times bad times and test of emotions towards each other. Where as today marriage is more like a magazine story not comparing the two in size, the magazine story is more influenced by people outside the relationship, and personal gain. Where the Ideal marriage is not thought of that way, it is how the couple can advance together.”
“in a novel, it is about the book, the story, the characters. In a magazine the story and characters are all influenced by sales. The stories need to sell to a demographic. Advertisements want Excitement, Flash and Glamour. Sensational headlines drive sales up. This leaves much to be desired in the quality of a character, and the story, the plot has been changed into one exciting car chase after another. Nothing is of substance, all smoke and mirrors. When the excitement ends so does the relationship.”
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